trappedcompulsive

His name on my lips

His words echo in my head

His touch so gentle yet hurts every part he traces

I’m NOT his

I wonder if its the thrill of touching what is not yours that keeps him going?

I push, I beg, growing tired of fighting back

I’m close to tears but it seems to make him want to hurt me more

By what decree you took it on you to claim me as your own?

An un-consented love.

I hunger for a different life

One with consent

Without desire or contempt.

One night has turned my entire life into a continuous search of trying to find myself.

DEEP THINKERS HAVE THE HARDEST TIME WITH RELATIONSHIPS AND RELIGION.

 

I want to be with you but I need my scars to disappear I can’t have you leave faster than you came 

If you want me you’ve got to create a desire to learn me

Be patient with my pages 

Understand that I cannot rip out the ones that are covered in blood stains

I’ve lived on the edge of nothingness 

Between who I am and who I want to become 

Trace my body 

The parts of me untouched and unseen 

You’ll learn that I’m a survivor 

The idea of something better has kept me here 

I came to find a soul so engulfed in a world of his own 

I learnt to love you and discovered more of myself 

It was an unsettling feeling at first as I’ve trained my heart enough to know that it didn’t need anyone 

A strange feeling indeed to meet someone who owns every key to the parts of yourself that you didn’t even know were locked- let alone existed. 

Unlocked it all and left me to figure it out on my own. 

Elsa xx

I figured after 10 posts I ought to let my followers get to know me better. I’m not going to disclose who I really am because I believe it would take the mystery out of my blog. I’m an ordinary girl, the only thing that separates me from you and you from me is the the fact that we all have different struggles. I’m a firm believer of equality in every form, be it racially or gender wise. I believe in treating every person with respect regardless of them hurting you or simply hating you – kill them with kindness (trust me, it’s an actual thing). I believe you’re the ONLY person you need. If you think about it, you’re the only one who knows your flaws, your secrets, your fears, your values, your goals, your struggles, so who better to trust other than yourself? People leave, people change and when they’re gone who are you left with? Yourself. The sooner you realize that you’re all you’ve ever needed the happier you’ll be. This doesn’t mean that you have to close yourself off- NO! Have friends, have fun but keep certain things to yourself. I don’t believe in having best friends, I try to be as open minded and free spirited as I possibly can. I respect all religions and all paths. I love my religion but I think there’s so much to learn from other religions too, in the end we all worship the same God just in different ways- also if you don’t believe in a God then that’s your choice and I still have respect for you. Everyone has their own opinion and it’s so important that we respect that – however I don’t think that it’s okay to bash someone else’s opinion just because you strongly believe that yours is correct. I LOVE meeting new people and exploring new places, my long term goal is to be able to travel the world alone ( or with someone special) and meet all sorts of weird and wonderful souls who I hope would have an impact on who I am and allow me to grow in ways beyond my imagination. Its amazing getting to know people with different views, it’s somewhat stimulating. And this life is all about learning. Never limit yourself – you’re beyond what you think you are.

– Elsa x

I was in a glass case of emotions There was a certain kind of safety hidden deep in the shadows but more so darkness

It capsulated fear, love, hopes, dreams  

All casually thrown together in the awkwardness of nearby coupledom 

A thriving sort of thrill in deception 

I felt as though I was wading into the deep end

Trapped by my past, present and fear of the future 

These memories have become harder to put in place

I try to fit together the jigsaw pieces in hopes to get a clear picture 

And there it comes 

the day you left.. 

It remains in crisp detail etched into the far ends of my memory 

Never to be forgotten 

There to haunt an empty space

Clinging onto every ounce of life left in me

Elsa xx

I’m sorry. 

I hate rules Regulations 

I hate my rights being taken away 

Being bound by a contract 

I hate what the worlds corporate soldiers do to the innocent 

Sucking up every ounce of our personalities and turning us into questionless robots 

Doing what we have to just to survive 

Slaving away To stay free from poverty  

We often forget that the truest poverty is losing your sanity in the hustle and bustle of trying to make a living.

Elsa xx

I want to be with you but I need my scars to disappear 

I can’t have you leave faster than you came 

If you want me you’ve got to create a desire to learn me

Be patient with my pages 

Understand that I cannot rip out the ones that are covered in blood stains

I’ve lived on the edge of nothingness 

Between who I am and who I want to become 

Trace my body 

The parts of me untouched and unseen 

You’ll learn that I’m a survivor 

The idea of something better has kept me here 

I came to find a soul so engulfed in a world of his own 

I learnt to love you and discovered more of myself 

It was an unsettling feeling at first as I’ve trained my heart enough to know that it didn’t need anyone 

A strange feeling indeed to meet someone who owns every key to the parts of yourself that you didn’t even know were locked- let alone existed. 

Unlocked it all and left me to figure it out on my own. 

At the end of it all, you’re all you have.

Elsa xx

I woke up wondering where I went wrong I am nothing more than a sex object 

I am devoured by his desires 

All these emotions run through me 

All this confusion, these mixed signals 

These dead ends. 

He makes me forget my self worth

As I throw myself at his feet 

Worshiping the grounds he drags his dirty laundry on. 

Making him believe he is more.. 

But I AM MORE 

I am more than someone’s hanky chief 

I am more than someone’s mistress 

I am EVERYTHING and MORE.

– Elsa x